The Soul Search

Uninterrupted!

2009-03-02T12:50:00.002+05:30

Something from my Facebook notes...

1. I am incredibly girly – chocolates, flowers, photographs and I’m floored!

2. My mom was confused between ‘Pankhuri’ and ‘Parul’. My closest cousin got the former.

3. I dance, like, ALL the time.

4. I’ve never been on a trip with my closest friends, EVER! :(

5. I believe in fate and that each of us is sent here with a plan. All we need to do is find the people we want to live it with.

6. I’ve never played any sport, ever, in my life – though I would love to do so sometime, it probably won’t be anytime soon!

7. I was in a No-men phase for about 2 years before I found what I was looking for.

8. Mountains or the beach? The beach, all the way!

9. I trust people very easily and believe that there is an inherent nice streak in people. Or, atleast, I used to.

10. I’ve gone from a power-hungry, super-ambitious bitch to someone who just wants to get married and have babies – all in a span of one year.

11. I LOVE pasta and cheese.

12. My hopeless addiction to shopping has been extremely deprived over the last few months and I strongly feel that I’m exhibiting withdrawal symptoms.

13. I will always, without exception, come across as a dumb blonde the first time you meet me.

14. I love Pink!

15. I can survive on Nutella for weeks at a stretch, only if I was allowed to! :)

16. I hardly had any guy friends before I came to IIMB. Now, I hardly have any girl friends.

17. I completely adore my family and can do anything for them.

18. My closest friends say I’m quite vulnerable. But with friends like them, who bloody cares??!!

19. I am the baby of my school gang, a fact I love and enjoy.

20. My perfect evening should essentially consist of dancing and liquor, any form.

21. I hate liars.

22. I am awfully possessive about people I love – something that is so misunderstood at times. :(

23. I write at times. Noone has seen any of it and it’s going to stay that way!

24. I have this weird desire to always do well at everything – and ‘doing well’ is probably an understatement.

25. I fought with my friends when they bought a bottle of Breezer on a school trip because I didn’t want it to ruin my career! :D

I used to be happy.

2009-03-01T18:43:00.002+05:30

A few days back, I was looking at some old photographs with a friend. As I browsed, I noticed this stark difference in the way I looked back then and the way I look now in photographs. I used to invariably be smiling to the extent of radiating an enduring glow and now it’s just a forced ephemeral smile, trying to look happy when I’m really not.

That got me thinking and I said, “I don’t think I’m as happy as I used to be back then.” To this, my friend who, I must admit, knows me quite well, said, “I’ve seen you this happy whenever you’re talking to him in the mess.” And he left. Pondering over this, I realized that he had generated one of the many hypotheses I needed to figure out the reasons for the difference. I will try and dissect them one by one as I did back then and hopefully, do justice to each one in the process.

People. Have the people in my life changed? They say, as you age, you accumulate more new friends and become closer to old ones. I would have to admit I’m not in frequent touch with all my old friends but I do know that anytime I call on them, they will be right there and vice versa. New friends, I have made plenty, and they are a great bunch of people, people who would give their right arm to see my happy. Family is a constant factor in my life and I can say with absolute conviction that my relationship with them, if anything, has become stronger over the years. Thus, I was compelled to believe that it is not, indeed, because of a change in the ‘people’ in my life that I am not happy. This reasoning, of course, was under the assumption that great relationships cause happiness. I would not dare to test it under the antithetical assumption that great relationships take happiness away, simply for the absurdity of the thought.

And that brings me to my second hypothesis. Situation. IIMB, BCG, Yale. Enough said. Hypothesis rejected.

Three, appearance. I asked a friend what would make her happy and she said, “losing 15 kg of weight.” An unbelievable hypothesis for someone who always looks beyond the skin, in short, someone idealistic. But come to think about it, appearances do have an effect on the image one has of oneself and therefore, one’s comfort with one’s own skin. (The excessive use of ‘one’ is to avoid any gender-based connotations). I, however, firmly believe, on the basis of the aforementioned photographs, that I have not changed so much. I have not become thinner or fatter or taller, nor have I got a weird haircut or had a sudden burst of acne or anything remotely related to these. Therefore, this leads me to believe that ‘appearances’, or a change in them, have not had any bearing on my degree of happiness.

Another one of my friends said, “appreciation.” Yes, appreciation makes me happy and always would, considering how hungry for love I am. But then again, because of the second reasoning above, the appreciation that I gather has increased too over time. I am definitely more comfortable being me than I have ever been. I am more confident about myself and what I can do and a lot of it is because of what the people around me believe. And this leads me to conclude that this factor has not changed sufficiently in the adverse direction to make me sad.

And here, I exhaust my hypotheses with no valid conclusions. If nothing, really, has changed, why do I feel that I used to be happy?

Annie's song

2009-02-16T02:16:00.001+05:30

You fill up my senses,
like a night in the forest,
like the mountains in springtime,
like a walk in the rain,
like a storm in the desert,
like a sleepy blue ocean
you fill up my senses,
come fill me again.

Come let me love you,
let me give my life to you,
let me drown in your laughter,
let me die in your arms,
let me lay down beside you,
let me always be with you,
come let me love you,
come love me again.

Vote?!

2009-02-15T19:16:00.002+05:30

The final phase of elections at IIMB has begun and there are some very high stakes - the President and the Culsecy being the two most sought-after posts on campus, bringing with them immense power and fame. Now why on earth am I writing about this on a pleasant Sunday evening during one of the most 'vella' weekends I would probably see in my stint here? Because, I strongly believe elections bring out the worst in people. A populist vote doesn't really go a long way in ensuring happiness of the stakeholders involved, as is evident from the way our country has turned out to be over the last few years. Then, what justifies all the hype surrounding them? Why do best friends suddenly become your worst enemies just because you are not on the same side, let alone that, just because you are not on their side? Why are people left with only a bitter taste in their mouths after every such election? Why are the remnants nothing but bad blood and acidic remarks which leave you feeling cold in the aftermath?

Leaving the emotions aside, does a populist vote lead to the victory of the best candidate, the person most suited for the post? Region, gender, section, block – yes, these are the loyalties that determine the fate of candidates, not arcane and mundane words like capability, qualification, experience – Ha! You say these words and you’re mocked and jeered till you also label yourself with one of the aforementioned categories. For instance, the President is the only representative of the batch on multitudes of forums, from seminars and interactions with incoming dignitaries to the first face that the faccha batch sees on campus. Do we really want that person to be someone who won only because he belongs to a certain region, which incidentally, has the largest vote bank on campus? Definitely not!

My experience of the last few days has left me resentful, not only of this system, but also of the inherent competitive and destructive streak in people. If this is what I’ve witnessed in one of the best B-schools in the country, it chills me to think that this just might be the way the men who run our world are chosen.

Hope!

2008-09-04T21:50:00.003+05:30

There comes this phase in life when everything suddenly goes wrong, when there is absolutely no way for things to get worse than they are, a phase when you've dealt with so many emotions - anger, hatred, self-pity - that you become numb and nothing, and I mean nothing under the sky, can hurt you. But stuck at the bottom of all this mess and thus making it next to impossible to find, is this tiny little bit of hope which will be your life jacket in those tough times, hope because things will only be brilliant thereon. The catch lies in digging through the heap of rubble and looking as hard as possible, in scrutinizing every minute ounce of the trash and having faith that you would find it soon. And the moment you do, life starts feeling awesome again! :)

Khuda ke Liye - A Review

2008-08-30T12:19:00.003+05:30

Introduction:

A maverick film of its time, Khuda ke Liye was written, produced and directed by Shoaib Mansoor. It spans across four countries and is set in the period around The World Trade Centre blasts, from the beginning of 2001 to the autumn of 2002. It highlights three major issues – Islamic fundamentalism, state-sponsored racial profiling and the deplorable condition of Muslim women. The movie raises questions about the multi-layered conflicts in the world today, the conflict between moderates and extremes and between the Western world and the Muslims. In such a fragmented and tyrannous society where the government and religion dictate the thoughts and actions of individuals, the futility of a man’s quest to live his life according to his wishes surfaces.

The Pledge:

The movie follows the lives of three young individuals, Sarmad (Fawad Afzal Khan), Mansoor (Shaan) and Mary (Iman Ali), each one portraying a different face of the society. Sarmad and Mansoor, hailing from a liberal family, live in Pakistan and are amongst the best singers in the country. A fanatic Islamic Maulana incites Sarmad to leave music, don the traditional Muslim attire – a beard and pyjamas, and follow the life of a devout Muslim. On the other hand, Mary lives in London with a Muslim father and a Gora mother. Her father disapproves of her illicit love affair with a Christian, Dave. He brings her to Pakistan on the pretext of visiting her cousins, where he connives with his nephew Sarmad to abduct her to Afghanistan. Sarmad is instigated by the Maulana to comply with Mary’s father on the grounds of the deed being very noble for Islam.

In Afghanistan, Mary is forcefully married to Sarmad. As she tries to adjust to the austere life in the village, she constantly looks for ways to escape. After one of her attempts is foiled by Sarmad, he consummates the marriage by forced rape. He starts undergoing training to join the Islam fundamentalists fighting for jihad. Mary writes a letter to Dave apprising him of her location and situation, thus giving him evidence to fight for the support of the British government. Finally, she is extricated from Sarmad’s clutches by his own father.

Meanwhile, Mansoor goes to the United States to learn music where he meets Janie (Austin Marie Sayre) and falls in love. They get married a few days after the September 11 attack. The law enforcement authorities in the US arrest Mansoor, accusing him of being a terrorist, primarily on the grounds of him being a Muslim. He is subjected to unspeakable atrocities under the garb of trying to elicit the truth out of him. Janie incessantly canvasses on the roads of New York for the release of her husband, but to no avail. Tired of his fate, Mansoor eventually surrenders by writing, “I love Osama” on the walls of his cell. However, the intense physical torture leaves him incapacitated and sentenced to life on a wheelchair.

The film ends in an extensive courtroom drama where a liberal Maulana with a progressive outlook (Naseeruddin Shah) dispels all misconceptions surrounding the interpretation of Islam for the modern Muslim and Sarmad acknowledges his mistakes. The climax leaves the audience stunned where the modern Mary decided to open a school for girls in the Afghan village instead of returning to Dave in London.

The Turn:

Khuda ke Liye is the first Pakistani film to showcase such sensitive issues in an explicit manner. Shoaib Mansoor has effectively represented three different, though interconnected, issues by his three main protagonists. While Sarmad depicts the penetration of Islamic radicalism in the fabric of the modern Muslim society, Mansoor’s case reveals the extensive xenophobia against Muslims in the West post 9/11. The misinterpretation of Islam to suit the radical clerics and to reinforce the male supremacy is described by the incidents in Mary’s life. The paradoxical plight of the moderate Muslim, attacked by the extremists on one side and the Western world on the other, has been highlighted in a fair and balanced manner by Shoaib.

The movie exposes the inefficiency of the US Government in identifying potential terrorists post 9/11. A Muslim, by the curse of his name, was deemed culpable. This is further exemplified in the case of Dr. Hameed who was imprisoned in Australia and accused of the attack on the Glasgow airport. This deep infiltration of the government into the lives of individuals is contradictory to Locke’s theory of the importance of the ‘consent of the governed’.

The film presents two divergent views on Samuel Huntington’s theory of ‘The Clash of Civilizations’. It highlights the conflict between the Western and Islamic civilization and at the same time exposes the cracks within the Muslim community, thus lending support to Huntington’s critics.

The inherent human tendency to adopt attitudes in sync with the surroundings is evident in the behaviors of Sarmad and Mary. Sarmad, in order to conform to the teachings of Islam, gives up his modern ways of living while Mary leads a progressive life in accordance with what she sees around her in London. This need to conform to the society can be attributed to a theory propounded by Salancik and Pfeffer which contends that ‘attitude evolves from socially constructed reactions’.

Another aspect of human behavior starkly represented in the film is the will to survive. The young girls in the Afghan village derive happiness from their games and chores, in spite of not knowing life beyond the boundaries of their village. A statement made by one of them to Mary, “Please escape, we can manage without learning English”, validates this. This characteristic can be seen in the behavior of Mansoor as well, who succeeds in maintaining his sanity in the face of the inhuman torture he was subjected to, thus lending credibility to Nietzsche's words, 'He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.’

Shoaib Mansoor has used a number of cinematic techniques to accentuate his message. Dull, yellow lighting throughout the movie underlines the dark and dreary setting that the movie revolves around and emphasizes on the gravity of the issue. Also, most of the songs in the movie are background scores, thereby, providing no hindrance to the flow of ideas. A heart-wrenching scene is that of Mary trying to make an escape from the Afghan village she is imprisoned in. A valley separates her from the road, the route to her survival. As she starts traversing the distance on a trolley, Sarmad spots her and pulls her back. This symbolizes the constant oscillation between hope and despair. Similarly, Janie canvassing for her husband’s release symbolizes hope whereas Mansoor’s surrender stands for despair. This thread runs through the entire movie, taking the viewer through a rollercoaster of emotions.

The Prestige:

Khuda ke Liye was the first Pakistani film to be released in India after 43 years. It was an instant success not only in India, but also in Pakistan despite threats from radical clerics. A week after the film was released in Pakistan, Islamic fanatics declared a fatwa on the director for showing radicalism in bad light. Numerous petitions were passed against the screening of the movie on the grounds of it being ‘objectionable’ and ‘adding fuel to the fire of terrorism’. However, the film received accolades for the revival of Pakistani cinema; hitherto revolving around romantic sagas, songs and dances; and the bold portrayal of radical Islam and its flaws.

Critique:

Although the film was the first of its kind in the history of Pakistani cinema, the director stumbled at a few places. The character development of the supporting actors is glaringly incomplete. Mary’s father, whose role could have been much stronger, was overlooked. Also, In the rush to fit three different issues into one movie, Shoaib has not paid attention to details - Samrad’s disappearance from home did not evoke concern in his parents. Similarly, Mansoor’s detention was not contested by his parents, nor was government support demanded. In a number of places, the treatment of the movie is prolonged, for e.g., the torture of Mansoor in New York was displayed in excruciating detail.

To conclude, even though the movie does not provide solutions, it raises questions in the viewer’s mind, inducing him to inquire, to not follow blindly, to live life on his own terms, in the words of Descartes, ‘I think, therefore I am.’

Pits and Peaks

2008-08-25T13:32:00.002+05:30

It's perfect, a utopian feeling. You love life. You love everyone around you. For once, life is going the right way, or so it seems. Until very soon, you are hit (and believe me, it's a really hard hit that catches you completely off-guard) and you realize that you were hopelessly wrong. Somewhere, something was growing, to infest you and take over everything you cherished, something you conveniently chose to ignore because you were so happy in your cocoon that you refused to peep out, something that actually mattered a lot to you but somehow stopped mattering for a little while and you blame yourself for letting it happen in the first place, for being the sole reason of pain to many people around, many of them awfully close to you.

Sounds familiar eh?

Are you biased?

2008-08-25T11:22:00.004+05:30

Yes, you are. You harbour preconceived notions, form opinions at first sight, don't bother to look beneath the surface, yes, you are biased.

And wrong.

Does it matter?

2008-08-25T10:50:00.009+05:30

Two months gone by, a whirlwind of emotions, exuberance, drunken revelry, despair, extreme loneliness, feeling like the crappiest thing on campus one day and the greatest stud ever the next :) .. More than anything, it's been a revelation, of people, their thoughts and actions. So many different individuals, such diverse opinions, a constant learning process.

A guy who left his dream job for this, another person who spent his life in a village, a lady who fought her entire family to be here. What stares you in the face is the resolve, how you race towards the finish line with intense determination, but even getting there is not reason enough to sit back and relax, how every moment is a self-imposed test, the proverbial 'rat race'. Does it really matter?

A mad rush for CP, grades and footage. You might step on a million feet to tread ahead, use people as handholds to climb up, but you do so nonetheless. Does it matter?

You do the best you can, you know you cannot be better. Within a nanosecond you realize that someone else has already done a far better job than you have and there, the bottomless fall begins. But does it even matter?

Maybe it does. Maybe not.

Spark

2008-07-12T02:03:00.001+05:30

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Spark, who lived in the Enchanted Forest. She was surrounded by everything a mortal could want but she felt a void, a blank space in her being. Spark longed for a Star in her life. As it may happen, the Star resided atop a tree located in the centre of the Enchanted Forest. She would hide behind a rock and gaze at the Star day in and day out. A month passed by and soon, her craving knew no bounds. She had to acquire the Star anyhow! The only way to reach the Star was to climb the tree. But Alas! Spark was a novice. She tried repeatedly and failed every time. Her morale was low but she did not lose hope. She decided to learn the art of climbing trees from the master himself, the monkey. In the meanwhile, she yearned for the Star. Her focus and determination were fueled by her desire to unite with the Star and one day, lo behold, she succeeded. The Star was finally hers. And she lived happily ever after…

I am Spark and the Star is every goal I set my eyes on. The monkey represents my idols, the tree, the obstacles and the Enchanted Forest, my world.

A goal, abstract or tangible, must have a drive underlying it. The desire to attain the goal must surpass all limits set for oneself; it must breach the Point of No Return. There would be a million trees in the way, but the aspiration must be so immense as to overcome each one, as in Spark’s case. Identification of the goal is a task in itself. The discovery of the purpose is difficult, although it is often neglected in the shadow of execution. The monkey, as mentioned earlier, is the inspiration, the teacher. Its role is essential, but a common folly is blind emulation. In the story above, if Spark had followed the monkey to the hilt, she might not have triumphed. During the course of her learning, she ascertained her shortcomings and figured out ways to conquer them on her own. The Enchanted Forest, the world we inhabit, influences our actions. In an integrated setting like the one above, it becomes necessary to synchronize our thoughts with the ambient noise.

At this juncture, it is important to analyse the ‘happily ever after’ clause. Does the realization of one goal give enough reason to be completely satisfied? I do not think so. I strive for more, even when to a normal person, life seems close to perfect. I aim to surmount the highest peak, no matter the snow or sleet.

Lost Amidst Extremes

2008-06-07T22:43:00.005+05:30

I came across two strikingly contrasting reflections, which somehow, in their own way, define me completely..

1. "If you are first, you are first. If you are second, you are nothing." - Bill Shankly

2. This is the world of business.
The real world,
The world that matters.
What is my position in this world?
At the fringes.
Or, none at all.
Because I don't feel a part of it.
I am aloof.
I feel more like the flower in the pot on the terrace wall.
What place does that flower, do the random trees around have in this electronic city?
They do not matter. Not in the scheme of things.
Yet, to imagine the area bared of them all..!
Atleast that flower would be confident of the definite role it plays, of its importance in this world of electronics and economics.
I am still unsure...

Reflection No. 1 elucidates the power-hungry me, the ambitious, success-craving, confident, upwardly mobile me. It portrays that side of me which wants be on the cover of some leading business magazine (Forbes, maybe ;). On the other hand, Reflection No. 2 is in touch with my 'other side', the emotional, vulnerable, slightly illogical, unsure me.

Who am I? A question that remains unanswered till today..

The Queen B :)

2008-06-07T18:56:00.006+05:30

IIM Bangalore, a dream for many... I am living that dream. The Place to 'B' is everything I'd imagined, and much more...

It has been an incredibly long and eventful year, a year replete with revelation, disappointment, exhilaration, anguish, celebration, disillusionment, what not. An entire year dedicated to one cause, and its all been worth it. I have never been so emotionally charged, so satisfied and so intelligent (yea, sue me for modesty!) ever before. From the outside, it looks like a smooth ride, but I know what a roller-coaster it has been. I've seen the highest highs and the lowest lows. I've made millions of new friends, and I've lost a lot of people. I've hurt and been hurt. I've fallen and risen again. I've trusted and questioned, myself and others.

Today, I am happy. I've evolved, from an unsure graduate, fresh out of college, to a more confident, self-assured individual. I am less vulnerable today than I was a year back. As I sit in my room at IIM B and look back, I realize that this year wouldn't have been half as awesome had it not been for the people around me. My mother was my wall, my brother, my escape route.. My friends, my incessant punching bag ;). There are a lot of other people who I cannot name for reasons of my own, but who were probably more instrumental than the people I've mentioned above, in making me what I am today.

I love it here. Big words would spoil the beauty of this statement. I absolutely love it here. I, however, personify the human tendency to want more. This is just the beginning, there is so much more to do, so many more places to go to, literally and figuratively. When I was leaving Jaipur, someone very close to me told me that people love me, not for my success, but for the person that I am. And that I shouldn't ever lose touch with who I am and who I should be. I strongly believe in the power of the soul, and the need to search within, hence, the title of my blog. Concurring with what my soul twin has written here, I believe we are all here for a purpose which may not just be finding 'the one'. It could be as arbit as World Peace. The realization of that 'purpose' is the difficult part, execution is secondary. And in the process, we must not forget who we are and what we mean to people around us. I'm sure all this sounds very cliched, but this is what I live by.. And now, I am rambling :)

There's so much I wanna write.. Will be back.. xoxo

Why?

2008-06-07T16:54:00.001+05:30

Why? The quintessential question. Because. The omnipresent answer.

Circa 2008, I think of creating a blog. Why? A number of reasons..
A. A recent discovery of a passion for writing.
B. A recognized need to record and share random thoughts.
C. A certain someone I met :)

So, from this day onwards, this blog shall contain everything - useless ramblings, candid confessions, special incidents et al!

Keep visiting and feel free to criticize/appreciate, as you deem fit!